Friday, February 22, 2008

Life brings change but maybe not the answers you want.

After a month of going to the “Ologist”, Urologist, Neurologist, Pulmonologist, and an Infectious Disease doctor. And after having all the blood tests, various cultures, and x-rays the verdict is in.

I do not have any underlying infection, so the conclusion is that the Spinal Cerebellar Degeneration has progressed. I am not surprised at this diagnosis because I had already come to the conclusion that I had lost ground. However, my doctors had to rule out anything else that might be causing the same symptoms. I have less energy than before, I am having trouble standing and transferring from the recliner to the wheel chair. Transferring isn’t an issue in the morning, but by evening I find myself standing holding onto my walker talking to my right leg telling it to slid so I can continue to my wheelchair. I always make it but sometimes it takes longer than I like.

Also because of my weaken state, I am having trouble exhaling. Up until now I have used a Humid-Vent in my vent circuit to trap moisture on the exhalation cycle and to add the trapped moisture back on the inhalation cycle. By early afternoon I am so exhausted from the effort of exhaling against the Humid-Vent I have to remove it from the ventilator circuit. Once the Humid-Vent is removed, my lungs get dry and I am forced to spend my afternoons in bed so I can connect the vent circuit to the external humidity reservoir. Fortunately this is only a short-term condition. The Home Health Company is working on installing a humidity reservoir on my vent. Of course this all takes time. They first need orders from my doctor, and then they will have to order the additional equipment from the ventilator manufacture. So this all takes time.

Because of the progression of the disease I now have trouble talking. My voice is much weaker so I find myself using the Internet to Email and Instant Messaging more. While using Email and Instant Messaging are a convenient way to communicate, they aren’t the same as talking. However, Email and Instant Messaging allow me to get outside of my little recliner world.

Still there is one bothering issue in all of this. As a Christian I often request prayers for help being patient for myself and dealing with the disease, and for dealing with others when I don’t feel well. I also often request prayers for relieve from pain, from exhaustion, from boredom, and from worrying about an uncertain future. And sometimes people ask me what hidden sin do I have in my life that is not allowing God to perform a miracle of healing. I am given the impression that I am at fault for not allowing God’s miracle of healing to happen. I don’t believe I have ever raised this issue in my Blog before. However, yesterday while driving me home from the doctor a friend talked about this very issue. After talking to my friend about this issue I decided to address it in my Blog.

I feel this mentality stems partly from people not being able to deal with the uncertainties of life. I do believe God can and does do miracles. I do not believe that after 46 years of health issues God is going to miraculously heal me. I do believe God answers prayers and gives me relief from pain, exhaustion, and worry about the future.

I have not posted a lot this month, because I did not wanting this Blog to become a long list of disappointing and depressing news. However, because this Blog is about my live dealing with the Spinal Cerebellar Degeneration.


Blogger gretchen said...

I am sad to hear your 'ologist' report. You prepared us for it though, didn't you?
I just finished a Beth Moore Bible Study on Daniel that I think applies to the 'hidden sin' aspect that has been re-introduced by your friend and since I don't have the study with me, I've found a blog that does and quotes the portion I was thinking of.
Consider this post.
Very comforting (strengthening), don't you think?

Friday, February 22, 2008 at 11:08:00 AM PST  
Blogger Lynn said...

Hey Phil, I just found out about your blog and read Friday's posting. We're sorry to hear the reports from your various "ologists" and are praying for strength, physical and spiritual.
I was saddened to hear the comments about "hidden sin" and the thought that you have to deal with that kind of comment on top of everything else. Surely God uses pain and trials for many reasons that I can only minimally understand, but ultimately it seems all these things, as well as the "good", comes so that we can bring him glory. You do that Phil, by continuing to be honestly humble in your trials and letting us see how God is sustaining you. I'm reminded of Habakkuk's words in 3:17-19 where he points out that rejoicing in the Lord is not merely a reaction to good times, but a choice, in the good and bad times. By choosing to believe in his strength, you are giving him the glory and encouraging all of us in our spiritual journeys as well. Blessings on your day...cousin Lynn

Sunday, February 24, 2008 at 3:00:00 PM PST  
Blogger Me said...

I tried and tried and tried and tried to second Gretchen's post a few days back and blogger simply would not let me into your blog or one other.

I did that same study last year and the part she mentions here is incredibly profound I am glad she thought to mention it to you.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008 at 7:48:00 PM PST  
Blogger WhiteTrashBBQ said...


I'm no theologian. Hell, I'm not even that much of a Christian. Others have much more faith than I do.

But I was always taught that a sin has to be committed knowingly. You can't commit sin if you don't know what you're doing is wrong.

I don't know why people become disabled or get sick, but I know that it's not a punishment from God. What sort of petty deity would God be if He resorted to that?

You're in my prayers my friend.


Monday, April 14, 2008 at 9:54:00 AM PDT  

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