Highs and Lows

THE HIGH.

This past Thursday afternoon, my wife's niece A. stopped in to drop off 30 lbs. of bananas and I don't know how many lbs. of small brownies. She got married this past Saturday and had asked us to go to Costco and purchase 30 lbs. of pineapple and 40 lbs. of strawberries. Saturday morning was a beehive of activity around here. Everyone except myself prepared and cut up all the fruit that was to be used with the chocolate fountain at A.'s reception. We have a lot of fruit here now.

As A. and I sat and visited Thursday about her upcoming wedding she told me she had dreamt that I, holding some mistletoe, chased her and her father down the aisle in my wheelchair. For 30 years I have teased A. and her sister about catching them under the mistletoe and kissing them. I ask you which little, young, teenage, woman wants to be kissed by their uncle? Anyway the teasing with the mistletoe turned into a family tradition where on Christmas Eve they would walk in the house, find the mistletoe and hide it from me.

Because A. told me about the dream where I chased her down the aisle with mistletoe, I asked the children to bring up the famous mistletoe from the basement. I took it with me to the church and found A. showed her the mistletoe, got her to burst out laughing and gave her a kiss. This was the first time I've ever kissed her. I had a great time at the wedding. I managed to stay through the reception.

Sunday our son and daughter in-law left for a cruise. Grandma and I get to spend the time with our 2 year old Grandson. I spend a great day yesterday and this morning spending time with L. our grandson.

THE LOW.

For the past number of weeks, every Monday, I have been calling my friend J. who has ALS. After returning from some shopping with our Grandson and having lunch I called J. Most times I leave a voice message telling J. what I have been up to recently, or telling him a funny story, or singing to him. Now if you have never heard someone with a tracheostomy sing, you have no idea how J. must have suffered listening to that voice message.

Today, his wife picked up the phone and told me that J. had taken a turn for the worse over the weekend. They contacted their physicians and now J. has been placed on Hospice. I had to hang up on D. J.'s wife. Even though I knew this news would be coming, the news about J. hit too close to home for me. The disease I have has presented and progressed like ALS, only much slower.

I will try to call J. and D. tomorrow. I might add more to this later.

More on New Thoughts

I think that if one has a firm understanding of why and who they are and an understanding of their Spirituality and of the influences that helped form who they are. Then they should be able to examine new thoughts, and be exposed to new ideas without fear of being "Contaminated", "Changed", or "Influenced."

In my opinion once a person has gone through this experience, they will have a better idea of why they are who they are. I like to think that I am not afraid of new ideas. I find that being exposed to other ideas causes me to articulate my thoughts about them. Going through this process causes me to better understand who I am. Also going through this process causes me to better understand the world around me.

New Thoughts

I decided to post this in my Blog instead of a comment in Smilnsigh's Blog.

I often wonder if the thoughts we consider as new are really old thoughts. Thoughts some one else has already thought about. However, I guess one could say that the thoughts are new to us.

What criteria does one use when examining these new thoughts? I like to take a new thought or idea and massage it, play with it, turn it around and examine it from all sides like a cube. As I read this I wondered why I picture thoughts as tangible?

However, I always find that I am imposing my experiences, the lessons I learned through the years. So I think that I really look at a new thought through the window of my own Essence or Spirituality. I must say that I always find myself comparing new thoughts with old thoughts that were instilled in me by "Organized Religion".

I may come back to this and post more. As I think of this subject, I find it difficult to examine or explore new thoughts without bringing my own spirituality into the process. My own Spirituality, which in part was formed by "Organized Religion."

Trapped

Yesterday P. and I brought dinner to our friend J. and his wife D.. J. has an aggressive form of ALS, which gives me an opportunity to see what I might be like when my disease reaches the stage J.'s ALS has. I always am upset for a day or two after visiting J. because I am reminded of what might be in store for me.

Anyway, I was shocked yesterday to see how much weight J. has lost in the last month. I understand that his doctors have advised him that the time for inserting a feeding tube is fast coming to an end. I am not certain why J. doesn't want to have the feeding tube. It is my understanding that having the feeding tube would allow the doctors more options for pain management. Also J. would receive more calories increasing his chances to be at his sons wedding. Also having a feeding tube might allow J. time to see his first grandchild.

However, I do believe I understand some of what he is dealing with. I think I will call him and tell him my struggles about having a tracheostomy. I was afraid of all the extra work having the tracheostomy would cause for P.. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to talk anymore. I was afraid of getting infections. I was afraid of not being able to stay home alone, causing us to go through all of our savings leaving P. with no money after I die.

So I held firm against my doctors advice that time was fast running out for me to have the tracheostomy. However one day, while sitting in the Pulmonologist's office, I realized that I was being selfish and if having the tracheostomy prolonged my life, maybe God wasn't ready for me yet. Maybe my God given responsibilities as a husband and father weren't over yet. So sitting there in the Pulmonologist office I decided to have the tracheostomy.

In the last 2 years after having the tracheostomy, I feel I have helped my two youngest with the difficult business of moving out of the house, starting either a job or going to college, and looking forward to starting a career, a home, and at some later time a family. I also feel I have been given the opportunity to talk to my children about my illness, faith, and love for them. I have been allowed by God to enjoy my Grandson. Most importantly I have had 2 more years to spend with the love of my life, my wife.

Visiting J. yesterday made me realize that if I hadn't had the tracheostomy done, I would not have been here today. I really do believe I would have died from complications of my being able to breathe. How do I tell J. this? I can't talk long enough to tell him every thought I've had about this. I can't talk long enough to read this to him. Maybe I should read this to him even if I do run out of breath? Maybe I should send D. his wife the link to this site and let her read this to J.? However, I think that would be taking the easy way out.

It is a scary thing to be trapped by our own bodies. Most of us don't have to face decisions like those J. and I have to face every day.

Free like a bird

Yesterday I went for a ride around the neighborhood. As I was riding I noticed 5 Red Tail Hawk gliding high above me in the air currents. They were really neat to watch as they effortlessly soared high and then glided low to the ground. After being close to the ground for a while they would rise high above me once again.

Anyway watching these birds started me thinking about being free as a bird. What fun it would be to glide through life. So I watched and thought about this idea of being free as I rode down the sidewalk.

After finishing my ride, I went back in the house. I was sitting at the kitchen table opening the mail, when I caught sight of one of the hawks soaring over our back yard. As I watched all the small birds gathered at the bird feeder took fright and flew to the bushes and hid.

So maybe being free as a bird isn't really as free as I first thought it was.

It's been a while...

My how time has a way of getting away from you. I released this morning that I haven't posted in my Blog for almost a month. So what have I been up to?

Because the weather has been somewhat more spring like, I've been going with P. when she goes shopping. We've made a couple of trips to Sam's Club. I like going to Sam's Club because they have such nice wide aisles. And I just enjoy watching the people and see all the many different items they have for sale. Not that I purchase all that much while I am there. Well maybe I do place a couple of items in the cart as P. and I go along. I am a sucker for the meat section. I enjoy have the family home helping with the smoker (check my post of March 12, 2007). Of course my family would also tell you that I am always wanting to purchase coffee creamer and bread flour. Well after all they come in such nice large amounts. Also they can be stored for a long time and I enjoy teasing the family about needing so much.

I discovered something I didn't know last week. Because we subscribe to Netflex movies, I can watch a certain amount of movies on my computer at no extra cost. Wow what a deal. Now you might be thinking what a waste of time. However, I find that I need things to occupy my time. If a person gets bored that is when they tend to get into trouble. Now if you read this Blog on a regular basis, you know that I have a routine that I stick to. However, it is in the afternoon that I tend to get bored. After all you can only watch so many TV reruns. So now I can add watching a movie. Also I don't have to rely on someone else to go and pick up the movie for me.

Well I hear others moving around in the house so I am going to post this and see what they are doing.

Birthday

We all had a good time yesterday for P's birthday. J, K, and K made a One Bowl Chocolate Cake on Saturday. Yesterday they did steaks and asparagus on the grill along with risotto and salad. Oh and a great mushroom sauce to put over the steaks. Today Pam has off work, so I am hoping that I am not making too much noise and she gets a chance to sleep late.